Treasure

Drove back to good ole Colorado with my parents and had a splendid few days with them in town. We did some shopping, got pedicures, ate out, played Canasta, went into Boulder and Denver, bowled at Lucky Strike Lanes and just had a great time. One of my mothers favorite things is posing the girls and their cousins in different places. In flower beds, in the sand, in the leaves, in the snow...always darling and a good laugh because my dad and Ben find it so embarrassing. I have great parents. They spend most their time making fun of each other but they keep things lively and fresh and they love being together and I love being with them.

I cried at the airport dropping them off. Goodbyes are hard-- what's new? We had a wonderful time and I know I will see them again soon but it is still rough...probably more than it should be. Even when I am with my family, I end up spoiling it a little for myself by having too high expectations. I always work things up in my head and put too much pressure on myself to see tons of friends but also squeeze in as many "fun" things with my family as possible. I hate not living close to them so when we are together I just want everything to be perfect. It never works out quite like that. Plans always get spoiled, people have their own agendas, and nobody is as stressed about spending "quality time" together as I am. I find it both frustrating and comforting that things are always exactly the same. I just need to relax and realize that the time spent doesn't have to be anything in particular. A couple months and 500 miles isn't enough to change relationships. I have lived away for 9 months now and I still haven't quite figured out how to be gone and how to visit. I just want it to be easy and natural and not involve so many emotions.

I don't want to blog about this stupid topic ever again. Get over it, right? Honestly, I've gotten better and hardly worry about it anymore. But every time I'm with my family it all comes rushing back. I spend a day racked with anxiety beforehand trying to figure out how to squeeze everything in, stress while I'm with them, and when its over spend another day contemplating where I really want to live. It's these days that I feel like I'm just biding my time until I go to Salt Lake again...like that is the life that counts and Colorado is just filling the gaps in between. Sometimes I feel like the relationships and experiences we have with my parents and my siblings weigh more than the ones we have alone with just us and our girls. I don't think I ever really grew up-- that I ever let go of being a kid and defining myself and my life by my childhood family. I wonder if my family is just unusually close or if am I just unusually attached and kinda nuts? Why does this seem so much harder for me than it does for everyone else?

I'm learning lessons here. I'm not saying that I've been wrong to put so much importance and value on these people because they will always be a huge part of me and a huge part of my life...but these thoughts shouldn't occupy so much of my time and shouldn't give me so much heartache and anxiety. It's not healthy. Thank you to my husband for talking me through this AGAIN. How I wish my brain and my emotions functioned more like his...

I need to be better at being my own person. I need to be enough to stand alone and be fully invested in my own little family and my own little life. I can love Colorado without it having to compete. I love our house and our neighbors and our friends and our ward. I love the weather. I love all the fun things we do together. I love the horses and the cows at the side of the road. I love the parks. But most of all I love my little family. They are my treasure. Their lives and hearts revolve around me just as much as mine revolves around them. Colorado is where we are for now and this is where I'll be happy. It doesn't need to be complicated. I can have both places and all the relationships but this is where our life is. This is home...and it counts.