Thankful

 We had a great Thanksgiving. Ben's parents and all his siblings except Teresa were able to join us and it was a great time. I really wish I had taken more photos. We had a great meal thanks to Ben's mom. I was worried with all my fertility stuff just prior that I would be out for the count and not much help. Vickie came in full charge and did such a great job. Luckily, I was feeling far better than I expected so I was able to enjoy contributing but without much stress. I made my first pie completely from scratch. Apple with a almond- brown sugar crust and it was delicious.

 We went to Casa Bonita for Craig's birthday and had a great time. The restaurant has something to do with South Park but I've never seen the show so that wasn't much of a draw. The food was sub par as we expected but it was quite the experience. The girls loved the Christmas lights, cliff diver show, costumes, exploring a haunted cave, and watching a puppet show. We also got a babysitter and all went to a movie that night. We already saw the new Bond so Ben, Vickie, and I went and saw the last Twilight movie. It was excellent and was so nice to get out of the house and out of my own head.

 I was fairly distracted all weekend obsessing over this stupid pregnancy attempt. Today it is official-- No go this round. I started taking pregnancy tests on Thanksgiving and got nothing but negatives. I kept sneaking off to my room to go read a million fertility forums on the internet to decipher if there was still any hope. I was still holding on to the possibility of a late implantation until Saturday when I pretty much accepted it was over. It's just a cruel and unfair process. You are on so many hormones which make your body mimic early pregnancy. I was crampy, with sore bbs, backache, breaking out, so tired, and had to go to bed early two nights in a row because I was so nauseous. It's easy to keep convincing yourself that it worked even if the hpt reads otherwise. Each morning testing makes you relive the heartbreak again and again but stay desperate to think it's too early to know for sure. I spent Saturday morning mostly in my room quite heart broken. I was sad and angry most of the day but felt a little better after going to get hot chocolate with Ben and a craft store to get a bunch of supplies for a Christmas wreath to make with Cindy and Becca. Even though I was tempted to stay curled up in my room 24 hours a day either obsessing or sulking-- it was really nice to have a full house to keep me coming up for air. It was a really fun weekend despite it all.

Sunday was a new day and I was surprised that I already felt quite a bit better. It was almost refreshing to just know it was over rather to be tortured any longer.  I talked to the nurse today and it looks like my doctor will be back in Utah at the end of January/beginning of February so we are most likely going to start gearing up for frozen cycle then. I got my Rosie and Evie that way, so I have my fingers crossed that this time we will have better luck. The nurse also told me that my chart read that we had 11 frozen embryos rather than the 8. Apparently 3 more made it that they thought weren't going to. So that's good news.

It feels good to already have a plan in place to try again. I thought I might want to give my body and psyche a little rest but I think two months will be more than enough. I know there is a bigger time line out there for me and this will happen when it is supposed to. What is meant to be will be.

In the mean time I want to start running again. We perused some races coming up in January last night. Probably a short one, but just something to get me out there again. I haven't been able to do anything but walk the last month and feel very sluggish. I'm excited for Christmas and all the busyness it brings to keep me from being sad or over thinking our next cycle.

All our company left yesterday afternoon or early this morning, along with Ben who had a business trip in San Diego. I was worried I would be lonely today going from a bustling house of 13 people to just me and the girls but it's actually been nice to have some quiet time. To regroup and refresh. I didn't want to tell anyone or talk about it all weekend. Sometimes you just want time to be alone and be sad and not have anyone trying to comfort you. For some reason sometimes that just makes it more real and feel worse.

Evie, Rosie and I just finished decorating the Christmas tree and have had a sweet morning together. This whole experience has more than anything made me realize again what an enormous blessing they are in my life.  I'm so glad they came together and that I will have them always. There are so many women on my forums (that I practically spent this last weekend with as welll) that have been TTC for soooo long with no luck. Women that don't have any children after years and years and 7-8 excruciating IVF attempts. UGH. There is such a huge ache that comes with that wanting and waiting. I know that ache as we all do. We are all waiting for something. I also know I am very, very lucky.