A Holly Jolly Christmas

Got home late last night from our Christmas trip to Salt Lake and we had a wonderful time. The holidays really came and went this year and it makes me sad that Rosie and Evie have to wait for a whole year before Santa will come again. Christmas was better than ever this year watching them enjoy it so.
 
The Saturday before Chrismas we went on a sleigh ride with the whole family up at the Homestead. We  ended up at Santas house for a visit and cookies. Evie was a bit of a stinker on the sleigh and refused to go anywhere near the Santa but we still had a good time.

Christmas Eve brought tons of beautiful white snow which was fabulous. I can't remember the last time we truly had a perfectly timed white Christmas. We drove around running last minute Christmas errands and then packed up our gift bags to bring to the homeless downtown. This is my favorite Christmas tradition. We came home and left milk and cookies out for Santa and then were off to bed. Unfortunately poor Ben got really sick the night before and it slowly spread throughout the family. Sweet Evie threw up quite a bit that night but was right as rain for opening gifts the next morning.

Christmas morning was super fun watching the girls open their gifts and anyone else's they could get their little paws on. They made out like bandits as per usual. They got clothes and lots of new food for their new kitchen, zoobie pets, a darling Little People Nativity, super fun bandaids, and a lovely cloth alphabet set from their auntie. They also got big girl pants to start potty training because Rosie said that is what she wanted Santa to bring her. We started today and it is truly a nightmare. Not for the faint of heart.

 Later that day we went out and attempted to build a snowman in the front yard but it wasn't packing very well and also went sledding down the hill in the side yard. We came in for a delicious Christmas feast that people couldn't eat much of because everyone was feeling a little under the weather. I however never ended up getting sick and  regretfully (not really) ate my fill all week long.

The rest of the week the girls mostly just played with their cousins who they cannot get enough of. They played cowgirls, jumped from couch to couch, had movie parties, and chased each other all over the house. Grandma is a very good sport for all that goes on and all that gets broken. We took them to the McDonalds Play Place and witnessed an epic and hilarious brawl between Ava, Evie, and Ella which needs to be remembered. We also all went to Les Mis together which was awesome.

We unfortunately didn't see too many friends because it is such a busy, family week for everyone. We did get together with my favorite girls in the world from high school and went down to Lehi to catch up with some wonderful girls I went to New Zealand with for study abroad.
We had a wonderful holiday.

Christmas Crunch Time

I just got on my blog after several fun, Christmas filled days and realized in my flurry to get out the door that I never even posted this from last Friday, the 21rst. Oh well, better late than never. 

 

Christmas is four days away and we have been busy, busy, busy getting ready for it. I have been slaving away making almond roca for neighbors and friends and getting advice from my mom every other second on how to get it just right. I made about 10 batches and I would say only 3-4 actually turned out perfect. Ugh. It's tricky. The girls also loved frosting sugar cookies.

We spent an evening out to see Santa at the Bass Pro Shop where they have all kinds of Christmas activities, an aquarium, a merry-go-round, and lots of fun for kids. It was a good time but a very long night. I was worried about Evie being too scared to sit on Santas lap after hours of waiting around. She was all smiles and assurances that she was going to until we were about a foot away from the cute little Santa and she backed out. My sweet shy girl. This will do. She was ok with the moral support from her daddy and sister.

Ben and I went on a Christmas date in downtown Denver and had a wonderful, romantic time out to dinner and ice skating.

We had a mini Colorado Christmas yesterday so that we wouldn't have to cart all the bigger stuff to SLC. We got amazing deals on a little toy kitchen and new push trikes for the girls. We also opened lovely presents from Grandpa and Grandma M which the girls have been throughly enjoying. We ate Christmas coffee cake and then Ben had to head to work. Santa also brought a freezing cold day and a snow storm which was very festive. We were glad it came when it did instead of when we make our big drive.

I was a little foolish to volunteer to have bookclub at our house the night before we left town which added some extra stress to an already  packed week but it turned out well and was a lot of fun. We read Little Women this month and I have absolutely loved it. It's the perfect December read and really added to my Christmas cheer the last couple weeks.
Now we are rushing around throwing everything together to make our journey to SLC tonight. Just a few more things to do before Ben gets home and then off we go.

Check out Christmas in Colorado 2011 and 2012. What a difference a year makes. Merry Christmas!

Wake Up

Monday morning started off slow. The start of another long week. Evie was in a bad mood and was doing a lot of crying and whining for no apparent reason. I just couldn't get my act together and sat down when breakfast was done to read reviews on amazon for some Christmas presents I have my eye on. The Today show was on in the background. Rosie and Evie were playing with their toy farm on the floor at my feet and were having squabble after squabble over the plastic chicken. I broke the fight up a couple times but then went into my tune out mode where I pretend that I'm not there (not effective...but a survival mechanism).

 The chicken fight escalated and Evie ran to me in sobs. I was in the middle of reading something (and in my tune out mode)so at first I didn't even look up. That sounds so cruel (and I guess it is) but when every other second of my life involves someone bursting into tears, sometimes I don't jump as quickly as I should. After a moment I reached for her and pulled her up next to me and offered some comfort and asked her what happened while rubbing her back. My eyes were still on the computer screen however. Evie knows when she isn't getting your undivided attention and that's just not going to fly. She literally slapped me across the face and slammed the lap top closed on my hands and screamed "Go Away Mommy!!".  Evie is a little confused on the meaning of that phrase and uses it when she wants something- another song before bed time, another cracker in the car, or just some undivided attention. It means: "Hello!!!??? I'm here! Don't ignore me!".

My first reaction was to scold her and haul her off to time out for hitting me in the face. But this time I didn't. She was wrong to do that but absolutely right in wanting my attention and for me to do my job. Just to love her and be there for her and protect her from the wiles and whims of her sister.  WAKE UP.

That same afternoon we went on a long walk to have lunch at the park and enjoy the beautiful sunny 65 degree weather. When we got home I was on the phone with Ben for a few minutes. Once off I turned to see Rosie galloping into the room in nothing but her shirt screaming that she wanted some candy. I said no to the candy and asked her where her clothes were. She dragged me into the bathroom to show me she had used her mini potty ALL BY HERSELF with no prompting from me and managed to get her coat, shoes, socks, pants, and diaper off in the matter of seconds. She will do just about anything if she knows candy may be a reward. Ben has been telling me to potty train for the last few months. I keep putting it off and saying the girls aren't ready. Uh....wake up. I think it's just me who's not ready.

Yesterday I was at the gym doing a oh-so-hard-as-of-late 3 mile run. I got off the treadmill and went to refill my water bottle and saw a mom by the play area crouched down talking to her darling little girl. The girl had a big smile on her face and I got pang of jealousy and then sadness. I want another baby! I want more moments like that. One beat later I realized how ridiculous that jealousy and sadness was. I have TWO beautiful, amazing little girls who were right down the hall in the childcare waiting for me to come get them. WAKE UP and appreciate what you have now because it is sooooo good. Dwelling on this baby hunger is only making me miss moments with my babies...the ones who are here and still need me and provide a endless supply of sweet moments. I just to need to be awake.

Here's to being better about that. 

I received so many nice text messages, blog comments, calls, and emails in regards to our failed IVF attempt. In truth, I'm doing just fine but I really appreciate all the concern. I'm lucky to have such good friends and family. I'm excited for February but really enjoying being drug free and focusing on other things.
My acupuncturist recommended some supplements to take and to go gluten free the next couple months which she thinks should help our success rates. I'll try anything and I like feeling like I'm doing something proactive.

What else have we been up to...We had the perfect morning last Saturday, taking turns in the temple and then going to IKEA for lunch and browsing. We also made and painted some salt dough ornaments to counteract the quickly disappearing ornaments from our tree that have either been smuggled away somewhere or broken. 

We also have loved having this sweet puppy around. Eve and Rose  love walking him around the house on his leash and singing him to sleep. He's quite darling but I'm glad he goes home and these two stay. 

  

 We have been enjoying night walks to look at the lights and reading books by the Christmas tree. I love this time of year. I sat down to blog while I took the unnecessary step of toasting a tray of almonds to make my moms famous almond roca (gluten free, mind you) but totally spaced setting the timer and just charred them all to a crisp. errrrgh. wake up.

Thankful

 We had a great Thanksgiving. Ben's parents and all his siblings except Teresa were able to join us and it was a great time. I really wish I had taken more photos. We had a great meal thanks to Ben's mom. I was worried with all my fertility stuff just prior that I would be out for the count and not much help. Vickie came in full charge and did such a great job. Luckily, I was feeling far better than I expected so I was able to enjoy contributing but without much stress. I made my first pie completely from scratch. Apple with a almond- brown sugar crust and it was delicious.

 We went to Casa Bonita for Craig's birthday and had a great time. The restaurant has something to do with South Park but I've never seen the show so that wasn't much of a draw. The food was sub par as we expected but it was quite the experience. The girls loved the Christmas lights, cliff diver show, costumes, exploring a haunted cave, and watching a puppet show. We also got a babysitter and all went to a movie that night. We already saw the new Bond so Ben, Vickie, and I went and saw the last Twilight movie. It was excellent and was so nice to get out of the house and out of my own head.

 I was fairly distracted all weekend obsessing over this stupid pregnancy attempt. Today it is official-- No go this round. I started taking pregnancy tests on Thanksgiving and got nothing but negatives. I kept sneaking off to my room to go read a million fertility forums on the internet to decipher if there was still any hope. I was still holding on to the possibility of a late implantation until Saturday when I pretty much accepted it was over. It's just a cruel and unfair process. You are on so many hormones which make your body mimic early pregnancy. I was crampy, with sore bbs, backache, breaking out, so tired, and had to go to bed early two nights in a row because I was so nauseous. It's easy to keep convincing yourself that it worked even if the hpt reads otherwise. Each morning testing makes you relive the heartbreak again and again but stay desperate to think it's too early to know for sure. I spent Saturday morning mostly in my room quite heart broken. I was sad and angry most of the day but felt a little better after going to get hot chocolate with Ben and a craft store to get a bunch of supplies for a Christmas wreath to make with Cindy and Becca. Even though I was tempted to stay curled up in my room 24 hours a day either obsessing or sulking-- it was really nice to have a full house to keep me coming up for air. It was a really fun weekend despite it all.

Sunday was a new day and I was surprised that I already felt quite a bit better. It was almost refreshing to just know it was over rather to be tortured any longer.  I talked to the nurse today and it looks like my doctor will be back in Utah at the end of January/beginning of February so we are most likely going to start gearing up for frozen cycle then. I got my Rosie and Evie that way, so I have my fingers crossed that this time we will have better luck. The nurse also told me that my chart read that we had 11 frozen embryos rather than the 8. Apparently 3 more made it that they thought weren't going to. So that's good news.

It feels good to already have a plan in place to try again. I thought I might want to give my body and psyche a little rest but I think two months will be more than enough. I know there is a bigger time line out there for me and this will happen when it is supposed to. What is meant to be will be.

In the mean time I want to start running again. We perused some races coming up in January last night. Probably a short one, but just something to get me out there again. I haven't been able to do anything but walk the last month and feel very sluggish. I'm excited for Christmas and all the busyness it brings to keep me from being sad or over thinking our next cycle.

All our company left yesterday afternoon or early this morning, along with Ben who had a business trip in San Diego. I was worried I would be lonely today going from a bustling house of 13 people to just me and the girls but it's actually been nice to have some quiet time. To regroup and refresh. I didn't want to tell anyone or talk about it all weekend. Sometimes you just want time to be alone and be sad and not have anyone trying to comfort you. For some reason sometimes that just makes it more real and feel worse.

Evie, Rosie and I just finished decorating the Christmas tree and have had a sweet morning together. This whole experience has more than anything made me realize again what an enormous blessing they are in my life.  I'm so glad they came together and that I will have them always. There are so many women on my forums (that I practically spent this last weekend with as welll) that have been TTC for soooo long with no luck. Women that don't have any children after years and years and 7-8 excruciating IVF attempts. UGH. There is such a huge ache that comes with that wanting and waiting. I know that ache as we all do. We are all waiting for something. I also know I am very, very lucky.

TTC

Trying To Concieve.
Spent the last two weeks in Salt Lake doing fertility stuff and seeing wonderful family and friends. It was a great time despite all the appointments, procedures, shots, etc. I feel very lucky to have a supportive family. My mom was an absolute trooper watching Rosie and Evie so I could constantly drive the 40 min down to Pleasant Grove to have yet another ultrasound/blood draw. The girls were crazy about being there. No where like grandmas to eat treats and break stuff. I really didn't take many pictures for some reason-- just a few randoms.

This was a much better experience for me for many reasons. Last time I had moderate OHSS (ovarian hyper stimulation syndrome) which caused lots of pain and complications. My ovary got as big as a cantaloup and I needed help going up and down stairs and had to brace myself against the seat and ceiling while in the car because every slight bump was very painful.  The egg retrieval was not fun and I have some foggy, awful memories from it because they don't put you all the way out. I ended up going to the ER in an ambulance the day of transfer because of extreme pain. I  had another severe attack that afternoon which my sister witnessed and said it was like watching someone go through natural childbirth on TLC's A Baby Story.

This time was so different. I am really glad I switched clinics. They were very careful with my medications and I responded more on the slow end of the spectrum instead of too fast. The Egg retrieval was awesome. I was completely out which seems only right for what they are doing. I woke up,  and besides some cramping for a few days,  have been totally fine. Utah Fertility Partners is also really supportive of using acupuncture which was a big help to me, whereas I had to fight tooth and nail at our old clinic to make it happen. My acupuncturist Bea Hammond is incredible.

PLUS (and probably most importantly) I'm just not nearly as stressed as I was last time. Of course I want it to work. I want another baby. I want a sibling for my girls. But I am not as concerned about "when".  I don't want too big of gap between the girls and the next one, but that's my only minor concern. Last time I had the weight of ever being able to have kids weighing on me and obsessed and stressed and worried like crazy. I had a lot of anxiety before we really got started, but once the ball was rolling I was constantly surprised how good and comparatively easy this cycle seemed. The girls keep me so busy that I don't even have the time for all the stewing I did last time.

 I know how blessed I am to have Rosie and Evie and I also know how hard having kids really is...so this time just feels different. I hope I'm not kidding myself and end up in a hole of depression if this doesn't work. But for now, I'm in a good place and am very grateful for a much more pleasant IVF experience and better state of mind. We were able to freeze 8 embryos which is awesome. Not many of those are great quality and will survive the freeze and thaw process but our chances of being able to do a frozen cycle are still really good. Frozen cycles are far less expensive and much easier on your body so that is a huge blessing.

Now we are just playing the waiting game. We only transferred one embryo so we only have about a 30% chance of success but the fear of more multiples was enough for us to chance it.

We are hoping after 41 shots, 9 ultrasounds and blood draws, 8 lbs gained, 6 acupuncture sessions, 2 big procedures, lots of back and forth for Ben from SLC to CO, and about 11k that we will soon have good news.

We are back home in Colorado and Ben's parents fly in this afternoon, followed by most the rest of his family for Thanksgiving. Super fun and a great distraction. So much to be grateful for this year.

Election Night  Party

Here is a run down of the last week just for my own record:
Lupron 10 iui, Follistim 150 iui, Menopur 75 iui
Day 5 of stims: 8 measurable follicles + measuring between 10-12mm E2 191
Day 7 of stims: 8 measurable follicles +measuring between 12-14mm E2 494
Day 9 of stims: 8 measurable follicles + measuring between 14-16mm E2 1,417
Day 10 of stims: 8 measurable follicles + measuring between 16-18mm E2 2,560, Trigger shot
Day 12:  Egg Retrieval, 23 eggs, 18 mature and fertilized
 Progesterone 4 times a day
 Day 3 post ER: 11 embryos at 7-8 cells, 2-3 at 6 cells
Day 5: Embryo Transfer: 1 grade 5 blastocyst, 8 to freeze!
Progesterone, baby aspirin, and estrogen patches