THE WAITING GAME

I wrote this post last week and never published it because the Halloween pictures off my phone weren't uploading. I was planning on finishing it up Thursday during nap time but life had another plan for that afternoon.

Wednesday, November 6th

Well...I'm still here and very much still pregnant and not too thrilled about it. 11 days overdue!!!! Time keeps ticking by and I'm still generally comfortable and happy but I've had too many days thinking this might be the last of my pregnancy and it's getting a little old.

I was so hung up on not missing Halloween and am very grateful I didn't because it was wonderful. Low key. Carving pumpkins, trick or treating with the cousins, eating soup and candy bars... but I wouldn't have missed it for the world. It was so fun watching little miss Rose and Eve and Ella and Ava racing across the grass and ringing door bells and pushing past people to go get a better look at people's pooches inside. The weather was perfect and the girls were crazy about trick or treating and we just had a ball. Crunching through the leaves, I thought again and again:  I am so happy I'm here and not in the hospital. Thank you baby for waiting and staying snug so I wouldn't miss this.

I feel like my whole life is on hold playing the waiting game so I didn't sign up to help out at Evie and Rosie's preschool Halloween party but that ended up working out which was so fun. I also went to the temple and sat on my own for a long time and was able to feel so peaceful and calm. I am grateful to have had this extra time.


BUT now another entire week has gone by. The days are going too fast and I'm about out of time.  My non stress tests have looked awesome and baby is still happy as a clam. My wonderful OB is now letting me wait till this Saturday when I'll be 42 weeks for the C-section. She wants to give me every opportunity to let this happen on it's own. The last couple days  I've been full of impatience and frustration over it. It doesn't matter to me when, I just want it to happen!  I had a dream last night I was laying in bed and my water broke and it was so real that when I woke up and realized it was just a dream I started crying. Then the next morning I went to my moms and cried my eyes out again. I'm just kind of a wreck.  I've done every thing under the sun to try to induce labor and have had nights of major contractions but they always piddle out a few hours later. I'm a little OCD and have mopped my floors like 10 times thinking I was doing it to get ready for baby and coming home to a clean house. I have shaved my legs and painted my toe nails again and again thinking THIS is it. But its not.

My sister in law compared preparing for a natural childbirth to preparing for a marathon. It takes a lot of dedication and so much of it is mental . I keep imagining if I had prepared for a big race and then the date of the race kept being pushed back and pushed back to an undisclosed time that eventually you would just say forget it. I've invested a lot of thought and time and energy and money into this and it is maddening that my body won't just cooperate.  Today I'm mad about it but hopefully in a day or so I'll be holding my sweet baby girl and all will be well.  Either way, I suppose 72 hours from now this sweet baby will be joining our family which is really exciting. Even if it's not the way I had hoped, it will be a huge relief to stop exhausting myself over this.

Tiny girl, we are ready.