Real Happiness

Happiness has been in the back of my mind this week. My sister in law wrote a really great post about it and the things that provide authentic happiness in her life. I'm also reading a book right now called The Geography of Bliss about a man that travels all around the world trying to figure out where the happiest places on Earth are and what it is that makes the people living there so much happier than the rest of us.

 I think in general I'm a pretty happy person. I get worn out and fed up and have bad days but I have a great life and feel very content most of the time. I was trying to think of things in my life that really make me happy. My faith, my beautiful girls, my awesome husband, my supportive family, great friends...but more specific than that. When I tried to think of exact moments that I become conscious of being happy,  two popped into my head. Both occur when I'm half asleep in bed-- go figure.

Rosie and Evie have been waking up much earlier since having been moved to big girl beds. They rise about 6:15 and usually get busy playing and building a giant fort out on the landing where they drag every blanket and pillow upstairs from all over the house.  Or they go busy themselves with mischeif in the kitchen and scavenge for food and end up spilling frozen peas and corn all over the floor or eating all the left over brownies that were left covered on the counter the night before. Or they come get in bed with us and jump and play or fight and scream. But sometimes, SOMETIMES they quietly come get in bed between us and fall back asleep or at least lie very quiet and still for a half an hour or so. That is a moment that I feel truly happy. My whole family  in my bed, clover yawning on the floor, birds chirping outside, and little smiles all around.

The other moment is a more regular occurance and much simpler. Most nights as I'm falling asleep and most mornings right when I wake up, Ben and I will hold hands under the covers for a few minutes. It's something very small but it makes me happy. I feel content and safe and glad to be apart of a marriage and a family that I love so much. We have done it since we were first married and I have always loved it...but maybe it feels even more special now because we don't have as many opportunities to hold hands. There is always a busy little girl in both of our arms or at our sides.

I know I'm conscious of being happy at times when I'm not partially unconscious. I'm happy everyday\ but I think I fail to really notice it and slow down enough to make a mental note. Last Tuesday night, however, a regular evening with no big plans-- I did.
We were home eating spaghetti for dinner and decided that after we cleaned up we would go for a family bike ride. Ben had just gotten his bike back from the shop the day before and even though a rain storm was clearly blowing in, we thought we'd go out for a quick spin anyway. It was still nice and warm outside when we left but the breeze was picking up and the sky was turning a really awesome charcoal color. We road through the neighborhood and down the trail to the little lake near our house. The lightning started flashing and thunder started booming over our heads.  I always love a good rain storm but it's been a very long time  since I've been outside to witness it really pick up momentum.  No rain was falling yet but the thunder was so loud and coming every minute or so and making the girls scream and laugh in the bike trailer. On one side of the lake there is a small farm with a pasture full of goats and horses. Right as we came around the corner the thunder boomed and 3 spooked horses, brown, white, and black went bolting through the field right in front of us followed by a bunch of goats.

We got home just as the rain was starting to fall and sat in the driveway watching the sky for a few minutes. The girls were in absolute awe. When it really started coming down we went back into the sun room to eat popsicles wrapped in a blanket and listen to the rain hammering down on the metal roof above us. Rosie and Evie took turns running out into the yard arcross the grass and puddle jumping on the sidewalk. It was one of those magic evenings where the universe opens up and gives you something perfect. I don't ever want to forget it.

Happiness can sneak up on you.

So can misery. Yesterday was one of those days.  We leave for Tennessee today to go meet up with Ben's family for a reunion in Great Smokey Mountain National Park and Dollywood. I am so excited. Our flight is later this afternoon and in retrospect, I guess I had plenty of time to get us ready because I've found time to sit down and blog...but it didn't feel like that yesterday. I love/hate getting ready for trips. I love the anticipation of heading off for an adventure and change of pace and seeing people I love, but I hate all the work that goes into it. It doesn't help that I'm a little obsessed and crazy about packing and getting the house ready to go. I, like most most people I'm sure, want to leave the house perfectly clean. I want the bathrooms cleaned, the floors vacuumed and mopped, and no dirty laundry left in the baskets. And I want it done fresh before we go so that means most everything waits until the day we leave and creates a monster day of cleaning and folding clothes and packing. As well as watching and entertaining two little ladies that seem bent on destroying the house and pestering each other to no end. I remember being a kid and us all being buckled up in the family suburban waiting to pull out to head on a trip to Southern Utah or California. My mom would always be the last in the car and it would drive us crazy waiting to go. What in the world was taking her so long? She was mopping the floor.  I finally get that.

So that was yesterday and I just wasn't handling it well. I felt overwhelmed and very tense all day and was being impatient and snappy with Rose and Eve. Around one o'clock, after Rosie had made an "alligator"  by opening and sticking a box worth of bandaids all over the kitchen table and one or both of the girls had yanked the silverware drawer open so hard that it came crashing out of the wall and broke...we decided to go to the gym and take a break. The girls could burn off some energy and I could burn off some steam.
I walked/jogged a couple of miles on the treadmill and started to feel really crumby. I realized I had been so busy that I had forgotten to eat anything at lunch time and that doesn't fly so well being pregnant. I went and got the girls and drove home and got their freshly washed blankets and stuffed animals out of the dryer to head up to nap. Normally they love getting their things fresh from the dryer but today Evie wouldn't have it. She through an enormous crazy tantrum in her room demanding that I make her animals cold again. By this time, they had cooled down to normal tempreature but she couldn't be appeased. I ended up leaving her shut in her room while she kicked and screamed on the floor. Right then Ben called to check on us and I felt so lousy and was so stressed out that I snapped at him and hung up. I went back in Evie's room and settled her down and sang her to sleep. I text Ben and apologized and went down stairs and ate an ice cream sandwich and then started sobbing. I all of sudden just felt overcome with all the stress and guilt and chores piling up on me.
 
I tried to get back to packing interrupted by fits of tears. I know I always sound like an absolute wreck on my blog but I promise I haven't had a good cry since February when I thought our IVF cycle had failed. I was overdue. Of course Evie decided to get up within the hour and found me sitting on my bed, all red and puffy. She was very concerned and came and layed down with me in bed. She pulled the blankets all the way up under my chin and sang me Twinkle Twinkle and the ABC's which was so unbelievably darling and made me cry harder. She rolled out of bed and went and brought me a drink of water from the bathroom, a square of toilet paper for my nose, and a teddy bear Ben bought me years ago that Rosie has since taken over. She was about as sweet as humanly possible and I felt so happy and so sad all at the same time. Luckily Ben ended up coming home early to rescue me and offered to take the girls to the mall and give me the night alone. but by then all I wanted to do was be with my family.
Sometimes it takes a little misery to realize how happy you are. Opposition in all things...

Finding moments of true happiness is tricky. You can't buy it or win it or even make it. I do believe so much of personal happiness comes from your outlook and attitude but it's more than that.  You can try to slow down and create moments of happiness with yourself and the people you love. But it doesn't always work. Plans get changed or ruined, someone is grumpy or throwing a tantrum which might hinder your happiness. But happiness is different than just having fun and sometimes shows up when you aren't having fun at all. And you can certainly have fun even when you aren't really happy.

 Time is up and I have a few more things to do before we head to the airport. Happiness, the real deal, comes from somewhere much deeper and has a lot to do with faith, and family, and friends and slowing down enough to be conscious and grateful. Here's to more moments of real happiness.