Thankful

 We had a great Thanksgiving. Ben's parents and all his siblings except Teresa were able to join us and it was a great time. I really wish I had taken more photos. We had a great meal thanks to Ben's mom. I was worried with all my fertility stuff just prior that I would be out for the count and not much help. Vickie came in full charge and did such a great job. Luckily, I was feeling far better than I expected so I was able to enjoy contributing but without much stress. I made my first pie completely from scratch. Apple with a almond- brown sugar crust and it was delicious.

 We went to Casa Bonita for Craig's birthday and had a great time. The restaurant has something to do with South Park but I've never seen the show so that wasn't much of a draw. The food was sub par as we expected but it was quite the experience. The girls loved the Christmas lights, cliff diver show, costumes, exploring a haunted cave, and watching a puppet show. We also got a babysitter and all went to a movie that night. We already saw the new Bond so Ben, Vickie, and I went and saw the last Twilight movie. It was excellent and was so nice to get out of the house and out of my own head.

 I was fairly distracted all weekend obsessing over this stupid pregnancy attempt. Today it is official-- No go this round. I started taking pregnancy tests on Thanksgiving and got nothing but negatives. I kept sneaking off to my room to go read a million fertility forums on the internet to decipher if there was still any hope. I was still holding on to the possibility of a late implantation until Saturday when I pretty much accepted it was over. It's just a cruel and unfair process. You are on so many hormones which make your body mimic early pregnancy. I was crampy, with sore bbs, backache, breaking out, so tired, and had to go to bed early two nights in a row because I was so nauseous. It's easy to keep convincing yourself that it worked even if the hpt reads otherwise. Each morning testing makes you relive the heartbreak again and again but stay desperate to think it's too early to know for sure. I spent Saturday morning mostly in my room quite heart broken. I was sad and angry most of the day but felt a little better after going to get hot chocolate with Ben and a craft store to get a bunch of supplies for a Christmas wreath to make with Cindy and Becca. Even though I was tempted to stay curled up in my room 24 hours a day either obsessing or sulking-- it was really nice to have a full house to keep me coming up for air. It was a really fun weekend despite it all.

Sunday was a new day and I was surprised that I already felt quite a bit better. It was almost refreshing to just know it was over rather to be tortured any longer.  I talked to the nurse today and it looks like my doctor will be back in Utah at the end of January/beginning of February so we are most likely going to start gearing up for frozen cycle then. I got my Rosie and Evie that way, so I have my fingers crossed that this time we will have better luck. The nurse also told me that my chart read that we had 11 frozen embryos rather than the 8. Apparently 3 more made it that they thought weren't going to. So that's good news.

It feels good to already have a plan in place to try again. I thought I might want to give my body and psyche a little rest but I think two months will be more than enough. I know there is a bigger time line out there for me and this will happen when it is supposed to. What is meant to be will be.

In the mean time I want to start running again. We perused some races coming up in January last night. Probably a short one, but just something to get me out there again. I haven't been able to do anything but walk the last month and feel very sluggish. I'm excited for Christmas and all the busyness it brings to keep me from being sad or over thinking our next cycle.

All our company left yesterday afternoon or early this morning, along with Ben who had a business trip in San Diego. I was worried I would be lonely today going from a bustling house of 13 people to just me and the girls but it's actually been nice to have some quiet time. To regroup and refresh. I didn't want to tell anyone or talk about it all weekend. Sometimes you just want time to be alone and be sad and not have anyone trying to comfort you. For some reason sometimes that just makes it more real and feel worse.

Evie, Rosie and I just finished decorating the Christmas tree and have had a sweet morning together. This whole experience has more than anything made me realize again what an enormous blessing they are in my life.  I'm so glad they came together and that I will have them always. There are so many women on my forums (that I practically spent this last weekend with as welll) that have been TTC for soooo long with no luck. Women that don't have any children after years and years and 7-8 excruciating IVF attempts. UGH. There is such a huge ache that comes with that wanting and waiting. I know that ache as we all do. We are all waiting for something. I also know I am very, very lucky.

TTC

Trying To Concieve.
Spent the last two weeks in Salt Lake doing fertility stuff and seeing wonderful family and friends. It was a great time despite all the appointments, procedures, shots, etc. I feel very lucky to have a supportive family. My mom was an absolute trooper watching Rosie and Evie so I could constantly drive the 40 min down to Pleasant Grove to have yet another ultrasound/blood draw. The girls were crazy about being there. No where like grandmas to eat treats and break stuff. I really didn't take many pictures for some reason-- just a few randoms.

This was a much better experience for me for many reasons. Last time I had moderate OHSS (ovarian hyper stimulation syndrome) which caused lots of pain and complications. My ovary got as big as a cantaloup and I needed help going up and down stairs and had to brace myself against the seat and ceiling while in the car because every slight bump was very painful.  The egg retrieval was not fun and I have some foggy, awful memories from it because they don't put you all the way out. I ended up going to the ER in an ambulance the day of transfer because of extreme pain. I  had another severe attack that afternoon which my sister witnessed and said it was like watching someone go through natural childbirth on TLC's A Baby Story.

This time was so different. I am really glad I switched clinics. They were very careful with my medications and I responded more on the slow end of the spectrum instead of too fast. The Egg retrieval was awesome. I was completely out which seems only right for what they are doing. I woke up,  and besides some cramping for a few days,  have been totally fine. Utah Fertility Partners is also really supportive of using acupuncture which was a big help to me, whereas I had to fight tooth and nail at our old clinic to make it happen. My acupuncturist Bea Hammond is incredible.

PLUS (and probably most importantly) I'm just not nearly as stressed as I was last time. Of course I want it to work. I want another baby. I want a sibling for my girls. But I am not as concerned about "when".  I don't want too big of gap between the girls and the next one, but that's my only minor concern. Last time I had the weight of ever being able to have kids weighing on me and obsessed and stressed and worried like crazy. I had a lot of anxiety before we really got started, but once the ball was rolling I was constantly surprised how good and comparatively easy this cycle seemed. The girls keep me so busy that I don't even have the time for all the stewing I did last time.

 I know how blessed I am to have Rosie and Evie and I also know how hard having kids really is...so this time just feels different. I hope I'm not kidding myself and end up in a hole of depression if this doesn't work. But for now, I'm in a good place and am very grateful for a much more pleasant IVF experience and better state of mind. We were able to freeze 8 embryos which is awesome. Not many of those are great quality and will survive the freeze and thaw process but our chances of being able to do a frozen cycle are still really good. Frozen cycles are far less expensive and much easier on your body so that is a huge blessing.

Now we are just playing the waiting game. We only transferred one embryo so we only have about a 30% chance of success but the fear of more multiples was enough for us to chance it.

We are hoping after 41 shots, 9 ultrasounds and blood draws, 8 lbs gained, 6 acupuncture sessions, 2 big procedures, lots of back and forth for Ben from SLC to CO, and about 11k that we will soon have good news.

We are back home in Colorado and Ben's parents fly in this afternoon, followed by most the rest of his family for Thanksgiving. Super fun and a great distraction. So much to be grateful for this year.

Election Night  Party

Here is a run down of the last week just for my own record:
Lupron 10 iui, Follistim 150 iui, Menopur 75 iui
Day 5 of stims: 8 measurable follicles + measuring between 10-12mm E2 191
Day 7 of stims: 8 measurable follicles +measuring between 12-14mm E2 494
Day 9 of stims: 8 measurable follicles + measuring between 14-16mm E2 1,417
Day 10 of stims: 8 measurable follicles + measuring between 16-18mm E2 2,560, Trigger shot
Day 12:  Egg Retrieval, 23 eggs, 18 mature and fertilized
 Progesterone 4 times a day
 Day 3 post ER: 11 embryos at 7-8 cells, 2-3 at 6 cells
Day 5: Embryo Transfer: 1 grade 5 blastocyst, 8 to freeze!
Progesterone, baby aspirin, and estrogen patches

All Hallows Eve

We had a fun and festive Halloween and found lots of opportunities to dress up in our cozy costumes.

We paraded with the neighborhood and had a party at the park down the road.

Our friends had an adult only Halloween party and we had a great night out playing games and eating good food.

 

 

We went to our favorite pumpkin patch out by Ben's work. It was wet and muddy from the storm but the girls still liked climbing all over the pumpkins and filling and emptying their wagons. It ended with Ben carrying both crying girls out like sacks of flour under his arms through the mud. Ugh. Reality with toddlers.

We went to the ward party and the girls loved the carnival games. Especially "donut on a string" and trunk or treating. They have eaten their weight in junk food the last few days and have loved it ... 

Time to get back to normal.

Both little ladies got a case of the croup which has been rough. Evie got through it with little problem but we had some insane nights with Rosie up several times an hour barking like a baby seal and bawling and burning up. No fun at all. Luckily we got her on a steroid and after that it was fairly short lived and we are on the mend.

We were sad to miss the toddler party my moms group was having and attending story time on Halloween dressed in our costumes. Too sick and cranky to go. But we did make it out to trick or treat at Ben's work in the afternoon. The girls loved collecting candy and saying "trick or treat!".

Halloween nightt we had our fabulous friends the Gerbers over and carved pumpkins, ate pizza, and went trick or treating. We got all the kids to bed and watched Nightmare Before Christmas. I'm absolutely sick with all the candy I've been eating --which is exactly how I want to feel the day after Halloween. :) Fabulous holiday.

Quick Update

My parents stopped in for a night on the way home from Winter Quarters in Omaha. These two little bugs sure love seeing their Grandma and Grandpa.

Went in for a baseline ultrasound this week and so far everything looks good. I had 14 follicles and my lining was at 6mm. I think I had a lot more last time but I'm focusing on quality over quantity. Started the major stimulation drugs last night. Here we go. Doing acupuncture twice this week and eating avocados and nuts and a hearty beef stew I made to help fortify my blood. All my acupuncturists recommendations...so the validity may be debatable but I'm willing to try anything that helps me feel like I have some control over the process. My wonderful friend Linda sent me am IVF care package full of the most thoughtful things to help along the way. I feel very lucky to have the support from family and friends and especially from someone who knows exactly how involved and difficult this is. Amazing gal.

Howie, the dog I watch a couple days a week showed up today with a tiny English bull dog little brother. His name is Spike. He sure is cute and my girls and Clover are loving playing with a puppy...but I'm not so sure I'm up for watching one. We'll see how it goes.