Disney and Baby Making

Well it has been over a year since my last sorry attempt of keeping up this family blog. I've been thinking about it lately and I'm going to try again. I am going to make no attempt to log everything we have been up to...I just want to write things down...anything down. Because something...anything... is better than nothing. It won't be polished or complete in any way but it will hopefully lessen my anxiety about time slipping away undocumented and maybe the writing will be a little therapeutic. I've been struggling.

So far 2016 has been a little low for me. We came off a failed IVF attempt in December and we were anxious (read me) to get right back on the wagon of trying again. But one problem after another has presented itself and now IF we are going to TRY again it is going to mean a fairly major surgery for me to correct my uterine scar that somehow came open after I had Gwena. 

I have spent an unreal amount of time on the phone with doctors and nurses here and in CA, with billing departments, hospitals, and our insurance company trying to get this all sorted. I still need to have a consultation with the doc that may agree to doing this controversial surgery but it is starting to feel like this is the end of our baby making road. I never thought it would be. I ALWAYS thought I would have at least 4 kids and I've been comforting my struggling heart over Gwena growing up with that fact ever since she was born. But life doesn't always work out the way you think it will....actually it hardly ever does. And I know many, many mothers end up having to compromise what they always envisioned for their family and what ends up being the reality. But it still hurts. It keeps me up at night. It makes me tear up with no warning. But I also know that I will and I need to move past the hurt and just focus all of my baby sentimentality and all my mothering energy on the three beautiful, bright, amazing little babes that I have. I'm working on it. 

The second week of March was the best of the year. We took the girls to Disneyland and seriously had the most incredible trip EVER. It was truly magical and seriously more fun than maybe I have ever had on any vacation. I'm dying to go back. It was glorious in and of itself but it was also so amazing to put all the baby debating and phone calls and discussion on hold. And since then I haven't had the same motivation towards it because I can't take all the ups and downs.

 We stopped in Vegas on the way down and then went Disneyland, CA Adventure, had a rest day at the beach, and then one more day at Disneyland. I wouldn't change a thing.