I love these four.

Just had a lovely visit from my parents. My dad had work off and my mom wasn't sure when she needed to be in town for jury duty but last minute they changed their plans and came on out for a quick visit. I'm so glad they did. I got a little stressed out and went around Saturday cleaning everything that was already clean and driving my husband nuts. I'm sure this anxiety is amplified by the fact that I don't live near my family. If the house is a mess, I don't get a lot of chances to redeem myself.

I don't know what it is about mothers and daughters. I just want her to think I'm doing a good job. My hideous carpet seriously only looks descent for one hour after I unplug the Hoover so naturally all the toys need to be picked up and the carpet vacuumed within the hour of their arrival (even if it was already vacuumed that morning). My logic is: if everything is in its place, she will think I'm a good mom and that she raised me well. Like the state of the carpet says everything about who I am as a mother and in turn, who my mom is as a mother. But it doesn't. She did raise me well and already thinks I'm a good mom. Keeping a tidy home is tough with two ever-so-destructive toddlers and all moms know that, even mine. Sometimes the fix I need is time with my parents because their love and approval mean so much. They make me feel like I'm doing something right.

I felt completely at ease once they came and wondered why I worry so much. I've been really hard on myself lately and I'm tired of it. I feel like I've been trying to prove myself to someone...or maybe just to myself. No one else is judging me. I AM a good mom even if the house is messy and my children refuse to talk. I need to relax and just enjoy my beautiful girls exactly where they are right now-- tearing apart the house and babbling mumbo jumbo everywhere they go.

This chaotic time is precious and I'm sure I'll miss their babbling baby talk when it's gone and even the messes I find around EVERY corner. (although I'm sure the messes will LONG outlast the babbling). Worrying about these things doesn't make me a better mom. Sometimes being a better mom is putting all those worries on the shelf and saying, "for now, it is what it is" and smiling at your babies. Seems obvious enough.

They came and we ate, played a little cards, watched movies, took the girls to gymnastics, went to Pearl Street, and the mall... and just hung out. I loved having them here and them getting a little glimpse of our everyday life. Rosie and Evie ADORE them and cried at the window when they drove away. Good thing Easter is only a couple weeks away.

Cures for the crazies

I am most definitely a warm weather person. I have always said how much I love having all four seasons but the older I get...I'm not so sure. I do LOVE fall. But winter is pretty lame. I love a quiet, peaceful snowfall and I love buying new mittens or boots but besides that I don't find much else redeemable. I'm usually a fairly upbeat/happy person (or so I think) but winter just gets me down. Every major depression in my life has occurred in the winter months. Can you even imagine falling into a depression in May? I certainly can't. So Ben and I have been brainstorming places to move that are not too hot but skip the 4 months of cold, snowy, icky, trapped, everyone sick, garbage.

I've been struggling the past little while. My girls are ever so sweet and fun but at a very difficult age for me. They fight like crazy. They don't talk. Lately I find myself resenting a little bit that there are two of them (which is an awful thing to say). But it's hard. And Dr. B told us to stay away from other kids for about a month to avoid getting sick again which is pretty much a prison sentence. This is what I look like in my hole. Scary.I am pulling myself out and striving to be happy and here is what is working:

1. SUNSHINE
Luckily, this week is supposed to be positively gorgeous with temperatures in the low 70s. We had an amazing weekend of playing in the sunshine. We had the weekend we have needed for about a month. We went on some great walks, fed the ducks at the park, took a long bike ride, and walked, shopped, and played on Pearl Street.

2. Exercise
I'm exercising more consistently than I ever have in my life. It feels good.

3. Time Off
Ben came home last Thursday after I had just spent about an hour sobbing in discouragement on the phone to my mom and Rosie and Evie were refusing to take their nap. I didn't even tell him what was so wrong-- he just said to take the night off. And it was AMAZING. I was already planning on meeting up with some old friends for dinner after my girls were in bed but to have an extra couple hours to just go off on my own was truly incredible. I drove into Boulder and went to Barnes and Noble and ate a giant chocolate chip cookie and sat in one of those big comfy chairs and read and listened to an old man play the cello. Then I met up with the girls and stayed out late laughing and talking and just being me. I need that time.

This article has been posted on Facebook constantly the last couple months and I read it almost every time I see it re-posted. I love it. The double failure of feeling like a you're not doing a good enough job as a mother, plus not enjoying every waking second can be absolutely overwhelming. I often feel that anxiety of needing to appreciate this time in my life more. I wish I was the kind of person that was always happy. I wish I didn't fall into these ruts and then even worse--decide to blog about it. Even though I am ashamed of these feelings, I do want to remember them. I know my perfect girls are an amazing gift. I may not LOVE being a mom every second but I do LOVE it every day. I have so much to be grateful for and VERY little to complain about and I know it. But life is hard (as it is wonderful). Being a mom is hard (as it is wonderful). And this is the truth.

angry february

Leap day????boo. At our house we are not interested in even one more day of this crumby month. I apologize up front for this post. I'm not in a good place right now and just writing to occupy myself to keep from jumping out the window.

Thank heavens for March and spring being on its way which will hopefully mean healthy, happy kids. I swear the only purpose of February is to provide opposition so you can really appreciate the other months. We have seriously been sick since the stomach bug we got over our birthday weekend, January 20th. It has just been one thing after another. The bug we got in SLC turned into a nasty ear infection that had morphed into something strong enough to be resistant to a ten day course of amoxicillin. Then we caught some new crazy cough/cold once we got home. Last weekend was probably the worst we have had in our lives of being parents. Starting Friday night the girls were up all night coughing and crying almost every hour. The next day we called the on-call doctor and nurses line and answered about a million questions. We discussed going in but it was decided we were doing all we could and that we just needed to hang in there. But something didn't feel right. Rosie was out of it and super sleepy but it was easy to justify because clearly she didn't feel well and had had terribly interrupted sleep. Saturday night was a little better. After about one in the morning the girls stopped having such violent and repeated coughing fits and we all got about five hours of somewhat solid sleep. But that awful pit of worry was still very present. Sunday was similar. Lots of coughing with lots of worry and a Rosie that just wasn't herself. But we decided to just wait till Monday because as we talked to more people, it sounded like every kid in the neighborhood seemed to have the exact same thing.

After another rough night, Rosie woke up with a rash of little pink bumps all over her body. We talked to the nurse and she said the soonest we could get in was 4:00. ugh.
To make a long story a little shorter we went in and Rosemary was clearly not doing well. The pulse oximeter read 70 and they rushed in with a nebulizer and a tank of oxygen and we were taken right upstairs to the pediatric unit of he hospital. And that's where we have been rotting away since Monday. We had a very traumatic first night of huge shots given simultaneously in both thighs to get stronger antibiotic in her system, four iv stab attempts (both hands and feet) before finally finding success, chest x ray, and several terrible suctions from a three inch long tube being shoved all the way up her nose. Since then-- its been pretty quiet. Rosie has pneumonia in her right middle and lower lobe of her lungs along with that pesky ear infection.

If I had thought to blog Tuesday or even most the day Wednesday it would've been a far different post. It would have been all about how grateful I am for good doctors ( Dr B especially) and good hospitals, and nights with no coughing, and sweet nurses, and surprisingly good hospital food. I would probably talk about how important it is to listen to your instincts and not doubt yourself. If you think something is wrong...you're most likely right. I might mention how wonderful it was to spend time alone with Rosie and Evie on their own. They are so much better behaved one on one and I realized how splendid it must be to have one toddler and to not have to CONSTANTLY break up arguments. I would ramble about awesome husbands with kind, understanding bosses and super moms willing to drop everything and fly in. I would have to include the rest of my wonderful supportive family, lovely friends, and much needed hospital visits. Most of all I would say how thankful I am for my beautiful little girls and how much I love them. We had our prayers answered several times this past week and I know we are being looked after. And I am grateful. I am. I am. I am.But for now I mostly just want to complain.... we are soooooo ready to come home.We were so glad to be in the hospital the first couple days because we could stop worrying and knew Rose was gettng what she needed. But that time has passed. I am not using the quiet moments to sit and think nice thoughts anymore. The walls are closing in on me this morning and I'm sick and tired of everything moving slow and nurses disappearing for hours at a time. I've been pacing the floor, staring out the door window like a little spy- trying to figure out when the doctor is FINALLY going to come by and trying to overhear the conversations the nurses are having. Crazy mom. If I'm not doing that I'm looking at the menu for the ten-thousandth time debating on my next order to induce a food coma. RELAX...We were told we would get to go home last night and now every hour since has felt like a punishment. Rosie has been off oxygen for 17 hours already and has been doing great. Shes eating and drinking and back to her normal self... albeit a little bored, still a little fearful of anyone who comes in the door to poke her, and so tired of being tangled up in tubes. Let us go home!!!!!!!

Ok-- so it's hours later. I wrote all that early this morning and considered deleting it and starting over with a more positive, sane twist...but I'm too exhausted. It's about 4:30 now and we are home and the world is a better place. I AM so thankful for all the things mentioned above and I can say it without all the animosity now. Ooof-- what a week. The nurse finally let me know that the doctor was planning on coming in around six-ish tonight to see how we were doing and I had a break down. I just couldn't bear the thought of entertaining a restless Rosie for several more hours unnecessarily while Evie was being babysat at home by Cindy. I acted like a lunatic and cried and told her I needed to go home. In retrospect it's unclear to me why I was so riled up and it certainly wasn't my best moment but she did make things happen for us. She brought me a wagon so I could take Rosie on a ride with her IV pole in tow. I think she really liked it but it was hard to tell. About a dozen nurses tried to stop and talk to us but Rosie either gave them her stone cold face or welled up with tears. She's had enough of anyone wearing scrubs. Me too. About twenty minutes later Dr B came to our room, gave Rosie a listen to, and said we were free to go. Just like that. I feel kind of bad I had to make such a stink to get us out of there but sometimes it's the only way to get the wheels turning. So, so happy to be sitting at my kitchen table with both my girls sleeping upstairs and knowing that they are safe and healthy (atleast reasonably so). Welcome Home Rosie party tonight. xo

Change of Pace

Spent the week in SLC and had a great time. We caught a nasty bug early in the week from a couple of cute cousins and were goopy and not feeling too hot most of the week. My parents were staying in Park City so we spent a few nights up there and went back and forth a little bit. Loved being in the mountains. The girls loved being out and about and especially swimming in the pool and hot tub. We saw some good friends, visited my old kids and teacher friends at Mt. View, went to Discovery Gateway with Grandma and Grandpa, and mostly just laid low. We didn't see everyone I wanted to but it was really nice to have a change of pace and get out of my normal routine. I love that aspect of living away. So nice to just do every day stuff with my family.

We had a long drive home yesterday. They shut down I-80 about half way through our drive and we had to back track to take an alternate route. Ugh. Our usual 8 hour drive took us about 13 and we were all exhausted and cranky...well mostly Ben and I-- the girls really were as good as gold. To add insult to injury Ben got a $135 speeding ticket for going ten over in a town we passed through. But we finally made it home to a couple of giant teddy bears and Valentine surprises Ben had waiting for us. I came in this morning and both girls were hugging their bears. Cuties. Happy to be back all together again and looking forward to another visit.


Thinking of this sweet girl today as it was three years ago that she got her wings. Baby Lily had her Angel Day a little earlier this month and these two girls have been on my mind. Ben and I were reading in Alma last night and just happened to be in chapter 40 and these verses really touched me. I needed these verses more than I realized and am so grateful for these beautiful truths and a Heavenly Father who is in the details.

12 And then shall it come to pass, that the spirits of those who are righteous are received into a state of happiness, which is called paradise, a state of rest, a state of peace, where they shall rest from all their troubles and from all care, and sorrow.
23 The soul shall be restored to the body, and the body to the soul; yea, and every limb and joint shall be restored to its body; yea, even a hair of the head shall not be lost; but all things shall be restored to their proper and perfect frame.

Happy, at peace, and perfect. Couldn't ask for more.