It's time like these that I wish I had kept up on blogging. I wish I'd wrriten down all the craziness and emotions along the way...all the excitement and cold feet and answers and anxiety... instead of trying to recall it all now. But something is better than nothing so I'm writing down a brief synopsis of how this darling, baby boy came to our home and into our family.
Last I wrote about our baby journey was last May. I had gotten my first big affirming answer in the temple about pursuing adoption. But I wasn't ready to tackle it head on so we left it alone for the majority of the summer. I was training for my marathon and clocked a lot of miles with my new good friend Kelly, and by myself which really helped. I prayed A LOT and felt so much peace every single time. But I was still scared. We went on lots of trips and had such a good time together that there were many moments where I felt content with our lovely family and came very close to accepting that this was the end of the baby road for us.
Then Ben and I went to dinner one night at the beginning of August and started talking about it. He said I should go for it. He said he wasn't ready to say it was what he wanted to do or that we needed more kids, but that we should put in our papers and just see what happened. This gave me all the courage I needed. I needed that go from him and the next Monday I called the agency that we had decided to go through. LDS Family Services no longer does adoption which was a let down so we ended up at Heart and Soul Adoptions solely because a very close family friend is the head social worker there. We started asking questions and getting more information. I hesitantly started filling out papers. And when my Rose and Eve headed back to school to first grade and Gwena left for her first day of preschool it broke my heart and gave me all the fire I needed to really dive into the process. I hate that my babies are getting so big.
A million papers signed, back ground and FBI clearances to get, reference letters to collect. Morgan came and did our home study which was stressful but was of course fine. The biggest most daunting part was creating a family profile book to send birth moms to try to convince them to pick your family to give their baby too. I finished that the second week of September and we were just waiting on those books (they want you to get 5-6 copies printed so they can send them to different moms out of state) and for one of our clearances to come back in the mail and then we would be considered "active" and could start having our profile submitted to moms looking into adoption.
That weekend we drove up to Huntsville for me to run my marathon. It was awesome. I felt better than I thought I would and the weather and the leaves were gorgeous. I got a little discouraged at mile 8 because I was stuck in my head realizing that in 8 MORE miles I would still only be at mile 16 and still have 10 more flippin miles to go...😭So I walked for awhile but eventually got back in a groove and finished strong. 4:23. I cried at the finish line seeing my B and three beautiful girls. My darling friend Kim came up too to support me. I was laying on the grass after the race when Ben told me that we had gotten an email from the agency that morning during my run. They had a mom for us that they thought was a good fit and wanted to know if we wanted to submit our profile to her to see if we would possibly "match". This was exciting news but also confusing because we didn't even have our books yet or all our clearances and I was so exhausted I couldn't quite process anything.
We went and had a big BBQ lunch with Kim and her kids and relaxed all afternoon and went hot tubbing. That evening we started talking about the possibility of going out on this birth mom. The agency told us it wasn't typical for them to put us out there so early, but that it seemed like a good fit. We could email them just some pics of us with a letter because our book was still coming. They told us her name was Laquita and that she seemed like a very sweet, genuine mom who was just trying to make it and do the right thing. She has 3 kids, 2 boys and a girl at home already. She's a single mom living in a tiny one bedroom apartment and her and all her kids sleep in one bed. She was due to deliver a baby boy on November 13th....less than 2 months away and sooo much faster than we ever anticipated matching, let alone bringing home a baby. It also kept popping in my head how crazy it was that I had STARTED training for this marathon to help get me through and sort out my feelings and grief with infertility and growing our family and prayed so fervently during my training runs...and that this match email came in on the big day of the actual race while I was running. Perhaps just a funny coincidence but it carried a lot of power for me.
They sent us this beautiful picture of her and her kids.
We had our concerns and were definitely scared but as we kept talking and praying and thinking about it...we came to the decision to give it a go. That fact that it was so fast and unexpected made it feel really scary but Ben kept reminding me that that didn't make it wrong. And plus the birth mom would still have 4-5 other family profiles that she would be looking at and she could very likely choose someone else. So we moved forward.
Sunday evening I emailed the agency a document with pictures and a letter with info about our family. And Monday afternoon Rachel called to tell us that we had been picked. We were excited and shocked and still pretty freaked out that this was all happening. Laquita wanted to talk to us on the phone so the next day we had a conference call. This was also a little nerve wrecking but she was sweet as can be and I felt so much better after talking to her and it was affirming to me that she had picked us...seen something in US that felt right. She said she loved that we had 3 girls and that this would be our only boy. She said she felt a huge relief come off her shoulders when she saw our pictures. She told us that she had known from the very beginning that this baby wasn't meant for her and that she was so done with having kids. I told her about our fertility struggles and that I had been trying to convince myself that I was ok being done but that I just couldn't get there. It was a strange, kind of awkward conversation to be having with a complete stranger, so very different than me in many ways but we connected as mothers and I felt so good after we talked.
From there we started trying to mentally prepare that this was actually happening in under 2 months. We told our families and over the next couple weeks told some close friends. It was weird to even talk about because it didn't feel real. I started converting my little girl nursery into little boy and painted the dresser blue and decorated it in a forest/woodland theme. With both the births of my twins and Gwena, we were always in the middle of a crazy move and I was having contractions like crazy so I never really was able to devote a lot of time to the nursery. So this was different, so fun for me, and also helpful in making it more of a reality.
We talked to Laquita about coming out to Vegas to meet her in person. We ended up going over our 9th anniversary the first week of October and it was so nice to spend that 12+ hours in the car with Ben. I was super nervous when we went to pick her up but she immediately put me at ease. She wanted to go to Cracker Barrel because she went a few years ago and said it was her favorite restaurant. She is so sweet and pleasant. She came out looking so darling and tiny in a spandex one piece outfit. We all talked and laughed easily about life and also talked seriously about adoption stuff. We were so impressed by her. The only hiccup in the conversation was when she asked if we wanted to come up with a name for the baby together right there at the lunch table. She suggested Eu'King and Ben jumped in and told her that we liked more traditional names and brought up Patrick. She laughed and said that seemed like a very boring name. haha. We left it alone from there. It was so nice to meet her but hard seeing where she lived. The apartment complex itself was ok but in a very rough, scary area.
From that day on, Laquita and I started texting back and forth almost daily. She would tell me about her twice weekly doctor appointments that she was going to because Patrick had been diagnosed with IUGR and was measuring small. This was difficult not being able to ask the doctor any questions or have any control or even be able to get all the information. Google was not my friend. They were worried Patrick would need to be delivered several weeks early if her placenta stopped working and he would thrive better outside the womb. We had to put our lives on hold the last six weeks because things were so up in the air on when she would deliver. Luckily, she was very responsible in going to her appointments and being on bedrest to give this guy the best chance for growth until his due date. We sent her protein shakes in the mail and were paying her bills through the agency and tried to ease any other possible burdens. This was a little stressful. Again no control, little information, and so much drama in her life. At one point her insane, drug addict mother kicked her in the stomach and sent her to the hospital in an ambulance and then threw a brick threw her windshield. Perfect. She missed some doctor appointments that week because she couldn't drive her car so we hired and paid to have it replaced. It was so humbling getting to know her and her family situation and how she can't count on anyone. She is one tough lady.
Finally November arrived and we started counting down the days. Just a few days before her due date, she got scheduled to be induced on Wednesday the 9th at 10pm. Sometime in there she text me and said she wanted him to be named Patrick which was very sweet and I said I wanted him to also have Eu'King from her as a middle name which she loved. I had been debating on when I should go down to Vegas. Laquita had initially said she wanted me to be with her in the delivery room and then said her sister would be there so I could come in afterwards. I was totally fine with however she wanted to do it-- but I also didn't want to be so far away when everything went down. So Wednesday evening, I loaded up and headed down to Vegas. Ben stayed home with the girls because he knew she wouldn't want him there and could stay and do his big demo at work and then head down. En route to Vegas, I got a call from Laquita saying that she had been bumped from the schedule because they were overcrowded in the hospital. Ugh. I was already almost in St. George so I decided to keep driving because there was a chance she would get called in later that night.
I arrived in Vegas around 1am and got a hotel. No news. The next morning Laquita finally talked to the hospital and they said they might not be able to get her in till the following Monday. I was bummed but she was pretty upset. She had childcare all arranged and when you're about to undergo something so huge, you just want it over with. So after some back and forth her doctor called and said he could deliver her at a different hospital if she was ready to head there within the hour. Good news! Except that it wasn't the hospital she had been planning on and most comfortable wit. Also I had been in contact with the social worker at the original hospital and she was super warm and helpful and was expecting us and going to have a room for me so I wouldn't have to leave the hospital. She seemed really wonderful. We didn't luck out with the same reception at the hospital we ended up at.
I didn't want to be pushy so I hung back and did some errands that afternoon, bought Laquita flowers and food, did a little Christmas shopping and then asked if I could come visit her around 4pm. She was there at the hospital with her best friend Star and her little sister Raven was coming in after work. She was only dilated to a 4. She got her epidural and was super dramatic and funny. Screamed and swore at the anesthesiologist. I thought I'd feel really awkward in there but Star was so nice and we chit chatted and watched TLC shows like My 600 lb Life. Good times.
Around 11 pm she was still only 4.5- 5 cm and wasn't making much progress. She had made it very clear to the doctor that she wanted to take care of Patrick after the delivery so I decided to go check into a hotel room and she was going to try to sleep a little bit and call me when things picked up. The social worker said they wouldn't be able to provide a room. By the time I got all checked in and up to my hotel room it was just before midnight. I flipped off the light and laid down on the bed to take a power nap and my phone immediately rang. She was a 10 and said to get back to the hospital. I jumped up and rushed back but when I got there people were just standing around. Her sister had arrived and we were just waiting for the doctor to arrive so she could push. It was calm and pleasant.
Her doctor arrived and she asked if I would wait out in the hall while she pushed. Of course.
She only pushed twice and so about five minutes later I was back in the room with him in my arms and getting to see him get cleaned up and hearing his first darling cries. He was born at 12:45 am and was 6lbs 10oz and 19 inches. Not a bad size at all. So much hair. A squished little nose. Big alert eyes. He loved his first bath and getting his head rubbed and hair combed. I was so glad to get to be in the room for his first moments...but there definitely is a hard element of sharing it with her and knowing you are being watched and maybe even judged by everything you do and say. Everyone was so nice-- its just a complicated situation.
As her sister and best friend got ready to leave, Laquita looked at him and said to me: "Wow he's so alert! He's going to be keeping you up all night tonight!" I was surprised and asked if she wanted me to stay and she said yes. This was great news but I wish I hadn't just gone and gotten a hotel room😐. We waited around forever for things to get moving, she was dozing or watching TV and I was holding Patrick. They finally got us up to our recovery room around 4 am. From there they came in to check on her and P every hour so we got pretty much zero sleep that night.
The next morning was nice and more of the same. A little awkward. I never knew what she wanted me to do. She kind of bounced back and forth between kinda acting bugged when I jumped up to comfort or feed him, or acting kinda bugged if I didn't. I totally get it was harder on her and a crazy time but the two cooks in the kitchen was rough.
About noon I realized that I needed to rush back to the hotel and check out so I didn't get charged an additional day. About the same time the hospital social worker came in and started telling us that she hadn't gotten any of the information she needed from our agency to carry out the discharge.
The next few hours were stressful. Laquita was in a fight with her crazy mom and crying. The hospital social worker was clearly very annoyed with us. Our agency here seemed to be dropping the ball and hadn't gotten a Nevada agency retained. They had thought that they had all weekend because most hospitals have a weekend social worker who comes in, but this hospital did not and the gal on staff said she was not going to stay late for us and that if we couldn't get things squared away that we were out of luck for the weekend. At one point she even came in with a list of other adoption agencies and told Laquita she should chose a new one. EEEEEEEK.
I don't want to go into all the back and forth and issues-- it gives me a pit in my stomach and I don't think its part of the process I'll want to remember or read back on. I'm still a little unclear about why things went so badly but obviously there are bound to be hiccups in every adoption. Every state, hospital, social worker, and birth mom are different and problems are hard to predict. But it was still very upsetting. The social worker said that because our agency didn't get the appropriate papers in on time, Laquita would have to take the baby home with her in the morning. She started bawling when she heard this because she hadn't planned on taking him home at all. In fact she was totally confused about Nevada law requiring her to wait 72 hours before she could relinquish her rights and had planned on signing and going our separate ways the morning after he was born (Saturday).
She was having her kids and family come up to meet Patrick later that afternoon so I left to give her some space. I was so flustered over everything I couldn't even think straight so I just ended up sitting in my car in the parking lot for 5 hours. Not my best time. Ben finally arrived that night and around 10pm she said we could come up so he could meet Patrick. It was very sweet. Then I was so sleep deprived and crazy and not wanting to spend more money on hotels (esp with the huge Friday night price increase) that I insisted we sleep in the car. Ben brought down blankets and we made a cozy bed in the back of my car in the hospital parking lot. Sounds awful but it was soooo good to have Ben there and I kind of loved it.
Saturday was an even more emotional day. There was lots of back and forth about Laquita taking the baby home with her. She was upset, we were upset, and things were just not going as planned. But around noon we drove her home to her tiny apartment with Patrick. She was so cute and acted embarrassed that she still had Halloween decals up on the windows, that flies had gotten in and were buzzing around, that her sister came out to help us in and her bright pink thong was hanging out...it all just kind of broke my heart. When we walked into her apartment, her 3 kids came bounding out of the bedroom so excited to see their mom and then stopped dead in their tracks, super wide eyed when they saw Ben and I standing there. It was pretty funny and those kids are sooo darling. It was hard to leave Patrick. She was planning on having him just sleep in the bed with her and the other 3 kids so we brought in a little rocker that I had brought for him, anticipating a hotel stay together while we waited to sign papers. I hugged him and her goodbye and cried and cried. Not because I was very worried that she was going to change her mind (although this was clearly going to make it much harder on her) but just so humbled and rocked by their living conditions and how cute her kids were. Her reality became real for me.
So then I called the agency and expressed some frustration on how it all had gone down and asked if they could please have everything in order so that we could sign papers early on Monday (when 72 hours hit). The response was that now that it was Saturday, they wouldn't be able to make an appointment with an attorney because places were closed so it may not happen until Tuesday. I almost lost my mind. Patrick was born at 12:45 am Friday morning and of course we all assumed the agency would be in contact with the attorney on FRIDAY to set things up for the following Monday. In retrospect, that doesn't seem like that big of a deal but when you're dealing with something as huge and complicated and emotional as all this, the idea of your baby staying an ADDITIONAL day and night with their birth mom when no one was planning on any time at all...is very stressful.
That whole day, I was either bawling or frothing at the mouth. I can't even remember what we did. We ate some food. We drove around. We went to a movie to distract ourselves but it didn't work. One saving grace came that evening around 7 pm. Laquita knew how upset I was and just on her own decided to Facetime us so that I could see Patrick. She said she hoped it helped me feel better and that she wanted to let me know that she wasn't changing her mind. It was so kind and really touched both of Ben and I.
We were considering sleeping in the car again and then my dad texted and told us he had already booked us a room at the Mandalay Bay. So nice. We checked in and they randomly upgraded us and we ended up in the nicest hotel pent house that I have ever seen in a movie or otherwise. It was crazy and a little bit of a waste on an exhausted and drained couple that just crashed on the bed. A good nights sleep is always worth its weight in gold so we woke up feeling a lot better and had a big buffet breakfast.
Sunday we were hoping to go see her, Patrick, and her kids but she was busy with family. By the end of the day plans had been changed. She decided with our agency that instead of waiting till Tuesday to sign in Vegas with an attorney and agency that we didn't know, that we would fly out to Utah together and sign out there. This way we were hoping to avoid any more confusion and mishaps. Plus our girls were having a hard time back at home, Rosemary especially. She is so sensitive to change and even though she spend the whole time I was gone with either her dad or Grandma and Grandpa E, she was bawling every night at bedtime and struggling throughout the day. If we signed in Vegas that would mean we would have to stay in Vegas for the interstate compact paperwork to clear in order to take Patrick across state lines. I never thought Laquita would want to come out to Utah, but she made that decision on her own. She wanted to see where he would live and wanted to work with the people she knew at the agency instead of strangers. So Sunday night, Ben headed home to our girls and I would fly home with Laquita on Tuesday to sign.
Monday I spent most of the day with Laquita and Patrick because he was looking a little jaundice so we decided to take him in to the pediatrician. The office was insanely crowded but the doctor was nice and Patrick's bilirubin levels were normal.
Tuesday was stressful. Laquita was having a hard anticipating signing. I had to get her from the apartment and then to the airport and park the car in long term parking and through the airport. She had never been on a plane or out of Vegas at all so it just felt like a lot of logistics for an already stressful day. We made it on the plane and just happened to sit near a man who had 3 adopted kids from Heart and Soul Adoptions and told Laquita what an amazing thing she was doing and how grateful he is for good birth moms like her. Tender mercy.
From the airport, my mom came to pick me up and Denise and Morgan from the agency came and took Laquita and Patrick to the agency to start the signing process. A few hours later, Ben and I met her at the agency. She stayed so strong in front of us and only really cried when she was left along with him for a few minutes. We said goodbye and see you soon and she was on her way back home and we were on our way home with our baby boy. We brought him home to Grandmas house to meet his sisters, grandparents, cousins, aunt and uncle. It was the most emotionally charged few of days of my life and felt pretty strange to finally have him with us.
As of now we are in almost daily contact with Laquita, texting and sending pics and Facetiming. I want Patrick to know her and I am so grateful to have an open adoption but I'm hoping eventually our contact mellows out a little bit. I don't think this much contact is good for her and I know it makes my feelings a little bit more complicated. But I'm also ok with a love and a bond that is a little bit more complicated-- the more people in this world to love this sweet little boy, the better.
2016 was an incredible year. I can't even believe this is how it ended. We started in a very different place. I am so grateful for Patrick and Laquita, my 3 darling daughters, and for Ben who was so supportive and wonderful even though none of this was his idea. I learned so much about myself and my testimony of prayer and personal revelation grew in leaps and bounds. I learned to have faith and trust the answers I was getting and act on them. I have never in my life felt more love, comfort, and guidance from my Father in Heaven. And that guidance brought me this perfect baby boy and completed my family.
